I miss you

It was a long time ago that I met you.
As a teenager, I was bullied. A lot.
It was mental and physical torture.
I didn't tell anyone because I didn't know better.
You were the one (and only) friend who always stood up for me.

You sat with me when no one wanted to.
You had my back.
Looking back, it seems silly that a girl would be the one protecting me.
You endured constant jibes from your friends, saying that it was beneath you to be close friends with someone like me.

We shared everything together. Food, jokes, stupid puns.
We looked up into the night sky and imagined that aliens would come down and zap the bullies with great justice (We were young and had a crazy imagination, it was fun).

You taught me to be a better person, and told me that I am greater than what people say.

You told me to always keep an eye out for those who needed help, and that I should always step forward to help, others no matter what.

I fell in love with your wit, your humour, your laugh.
I fell in love with how you would just walk in. head held high, confidently striding in.
I fell for your crazy weirdness and strange antics which would more often than not annoy the teachers.

Most importantly, I fell in love with you.

One day, I told you how I felt. You stopped me, and told me that you were moving away.
The bullies had taken to bullying you instead of me, and your grades were slipping.

You scolded me, for the first time in our short friendship.
You told me that you wished I would stand up against them, and that I should do it because you wouldn't be there forever for me.
I told you I could never be that brave.

I could never be you.

I couldn't stand up to the people who always taunted me for my awkward voice, the weird way I walked, and the pimply face. I just didn't have the courage.
You got angry, and told me that I didn't care for anyone but myself.
You said you regretted ever being there for me.

You walked away.

Next thing I knew, you were hit by a speeding vehicle.
I can never forget the sound of screeching brakes, the crash, and the screams.
I ran towards you.
It was all a blur.

I barely remember bystanders holding me back telling me not to go.

I was just a kid then, and they didn't want me to see the carnage.
I put everything I had into trying to get to you.
I couldn't reach you.

I am so sorry I couldn't say goodbye.
I slipped away before the police arrived.
I didn't talk to anyone about it, not even my parents.

Your parents hated me.

I tried visiting your place, and I was always ignored.
They would either pretend not to be home, or they would ignore me.
I was not allowed to go to your funeral, your parents made sure of that.

I could not go to your funeral.
To pay my respects.
To grieve.

I understood perfectly.

I lost their daughter,  and parents should never have to bury their child.
If I could return to that place, I would have done everything in my power to prevent that accident.
I would have ran faster, held on to your hands harder, hugged you more.

Anything to stop you from crossing that junction.

We promised each other that we would look out for each other, and, if God permits, to die together when we're old and wrinkly.
I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill my end of the promise.

I've forgotten how you sound, how you look.

When I dream of you, I see a hazy face, almost like you have a cloud around you.
When you speak, I hear a voice, I am not sure if that is your voice.
The only thing I remember is the event, the anger, the guilt, the pain and the regret.

It doesn't hurt as much now when I pass that junction, but the pain is still there. Like a small cut, it reminds me of the pain, but I push through it.

I hate that  I am beginning to forget about you. I want to be able to tell your story to people, and inspire them with your kindness.

However, I am thankful that you inspired me to go out and love others, help them, guide them, protect them.

If anyone asks me:

Why are you so kind?

I'll simply answer with a smile that you once told me:

Others before Self

That has been my guiding principle ever since.

As a final thought, I just want to say that I love you, I miss you terribly, and I would do anything to have you back.

I miss you